My husband will be leaving me for deployment in a day and a half. We've been through this once before. This time feels different. The first time around I gathered so much information from military spouse forums, garnered advice from magazines and online articles. I was scared and didn't know what to expect.
It felt so formal going with Sam to the outprocessing meetings at the Airman and Family Readiness Center. They asked us how our marriage was, if we were okay with the deployment, and other emotional questions. Not only was it nerve wracking, but also exciting. Gosh--this is something big in the military: A deployment. Separation from each other for at least 6 months not knowing if we'll be able to talk or write each other often enough to keep both our spirits up and happy.
I'm sure I cried and got bitter. I remember detaching myself emotionally from my husband a week or two before he was to leave. Protecting myself and my emotions, distancing myself from the situation, and abandoning my feelings was the only way I knew how to get through that situation. I realized quickly that it wasn't healthy and decided to just cling closer to Sam before he left.
This time around, I have no feelings of bitterness. I've only broken down once. I've accepted that deployment is a part of the military lifestyle. Am I trying to stuff my feelings? Perhaps. There's time to cry after he's gone. For now, I'm enjoying spending my time just being near him. The little things are the biggest reminders of the love between us. It took deployment for us to figure out important elements of marriage.
Sam's first deployment helped us draw near to each other and to our relationship with God. We were forced to communicate. There was no way around it anymore--we had to be absolutely open and honest with each other about everything because we didn't have physical presence with each other. We got through that first deployment by opening our hearts to each other. Our marriage significantly improved. I had felt a bit like a robot the first few years of our marriage--trying to situate myself to this new life and to please my husband. I then realized it was time to speak up and out if I had an opinion on something, not just stuff it down. We ordered some relationship and marriage books and read them together. I'm so absolutely thankful for the deployment. Our marriage was improved.
This second deployment I am not certain about yet. I feel closer to Sam than I've ever been. I love him more than ever. He is my absolute best friend. He empties the dishwasher for me. He buys me flowers randomly. He switches the laundry out. He takes care of the pups. He holds me close and holds my hand in public to show everyone that I am his. He makes me feel like I'm beautiful. He makes me laugh so hard I cry. He is the only one who I've ever had near me who understands my humor, my thoughts, and why I do what I do. He encourages me to paint, to write, to dance, to live.
Six months will pass just as they have in the past. Time won't slow or speed for a wife who misses her husband. I look forward to deveolping hobbies and relationships that I have either taken for granted or never knew were there. I will run a half marathon. I will paint my mural. I will continue my college coursework. I'll probably master another area in baking. I hope this deployment will bring us closer as the first one did. It's up to us for that to happen.
It's always been up to us to make our marriage grow and become better than what it would be otherwise. I am responsible to be honest and loving to my husband and to think of ways to make him feel special even though he is on the other side of the world.
I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm at peace. All at once.
