Non-Food Thoughts

What amazing creatures we are! Humans are capable of great feats and great atrocities. When one makes up his mind to achieve a goal, the task is a failure or a success based on the person's will. This will is what defines one human from another, the weak from the strong, the big from the small.

For those struggling with their place in the world, the will can be a hindrance. The indecisive person eagerly weighs options for the future but cannot decide. One person from infancy knows their place in life and acomplishes it with not a second thought. How is one to decide their own fate? Or is it just a matter of reading the signs correctly and being in touch with oneself?

I'm not feeling good right now. My stomach is ill from dinner and my eyes are throbbing from the smoke of the firepit's fire. My headache is growing rapidly into a migraine and I do not like it. I try to focus on things far away with my eyes but soon get too tired to remain staring far. I watch the ottoman in the lobby of my work and wait for it to move. It doesn't.

I look even more close at the ottoman and decide that I could design one of those as easily as the next person. In fact, I think I could create, build, and do things better than most people. Am I being arrogant? I don't think so. I feel like I can do things to a greater quality than what already exists. I have yet to muster the strength or will within me to actually try. Perhaps this is the solice I have in stating such an opinion about my abilities. Comfort in being untested.

I have grown tired of what I do. I have grown even more tired of not doing what I want to do.

What chance do I have to achieve my destiny--me, an aging woman from small town Kansas? My dreams?

What will it take for me to test my limits and weaknesses? I have never felt as bad as I do right now, guilty and ashamed of who I am. In my own complacency and weakness my future is being formed into an unwelcome guest. A pain. A rock in my shoe.

I don't ask for simplicity but merely a mind to esteem it.